


Hubbub and Horseplay

by suddenlyGoats



Series: H&H [3]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Gen, Roleplay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 16:22:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15733080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suddenlyGoats/pseuds/suddenlyGoats
Summary: The H&H crew's RPG shenanigans. You don’t need to have read H&H to follow this, but you do need to be familiar with the Transcendence AU.Firstly, Charlie GMs a murder mystery.





	Hubbub and Horseplay

**Author's Note:**

> Grey text is tabletalk, black is the actual game.

“Alright!” Alcor clapped his hands together. “We’re finally all here. Let’s do this thing!”

 

“Hey, sorry again about last week,” said Vin. “I was, for the record, totally willing to play, but Renee was all ‘oh no, we cannot, not until you stop being a fucking sicko’. And I’m like, ‘guess we’re never playing then’.”

 

“Something about the idea of you getting sick on my character sheet really kills the mood for me,” Renee said. “And I cannot find it in me to apologize for that.”

 

“Well maybe you need to look harder. I’ve been getting sick all the time since we got here, it’s absurd to put everything on hold just because of something as dumb as ‘serial barfing’.”

 

Renee sighed. “You know, I was on the same diet as you for years and I’m not perpetually ill. If you just were even slightly more careful about what you ate you would feel much better.”

 

Vin put his hands in front of him. “Okay but consider: food taste good. It tastes fucking fantastic, actually. Shit’s bananas. Which reminds me: I still need to try bananas.”

 

“Food would still taste good if you ate simpler things until your system got used to eating things that weren’t protein bars.”

 

“Yes, that’s great,” Alcor said. “You both have very good points, now can we play?”

 

“One would really think that after a thousand years you might have acquired some patience,” sad Renee.

 

Alcor crossed his amrs. “I haven’t roleplayed in two whole centuries, okay? Excuse me for not wanting to sit through an argument about bodily functions.”

 

“Okay, so just so everyone knows, I’m diverting from the traditional gameplay method until you all get introduced. The first scene is going to be Vin’s if that’s okay with everyone?” Charlie looked pointedly at Alcor.

 

“Hey, I’m fine waiting until my turn, just so long as we’re actually playing.”

 

Charlie smiled. “Okay, as a reminder and to help set the scene: we are inside the relatively young town of Celetter, built on the ruins of a massive subterranean city. Just who built the ruins is a mystery; all that is known for certain is that they died off or moved away long ago, abandoning their former home. They are thought to have been far superior in technology to anyone else of their era, and rumors grow like weeds about what they may have left behind. Some people are sure that there’s riches beyond imagination down there. Others think that the ones who came before built something too dangerous for them to handle, and that, perhaps, it now sleeps, just waiting for some foolish soul to once again wake it from its slumber. Others still believe that there’s artifacts capable of miraculous feats hidden in the caves. Most people believe that anything of value would have been plundered long ago and what’s left would only be valuable if you were especially interested in early 24th century city planning. 

 

“Now, shall we begin?”

 

* * *

  

Charlie began. “‘Slick’ Dick Sundry is still new to the city of Celetter. He came for reasons of his own, but now that he’s arrived he has only one thing on his mind: the need to get a drink. -”

 

_ “Also,” Vin interjected. “Some ass.” _

 

“- But now that he’s arrived,” Charlie continued, “he has only two things on his mind, the need to get some alcohol to drink and an ass to eat. There are many bars in the town, and he heads into the closest one, the Blue Bison. His few days of experience have taught him that their alcohol is quite good and that there are plenty of cuties that frequent the joint.

 

“The inside is dark, cramped, and reeking of ethanol.  The bar is fairly full, but there are some open spots, some right next to some butts that are really nice, actually. What does Dick do?”

 

“Dick sashays his ass up to one of those other, choicer, asses,” Vin said.

 

“The ass of choice is underneath the body of a humanoid who looks to be in their thirties. They smile as Dick sits next to them. ”

 

_ “Okay,” Vin put his palms together. “Dick flirts with them.” _

 

_ “Alright,” said Charlie. “What do you say?” _

 

_ “You know,” Vin rotated his left hand around the wrist. “Flirty things.” _

 

_ “What flirty things? You gotta roleplay it out,” Charlie said. “Don’t sweat it too much: since you have the flirting ability you can’t fail, you just have to lead the conversation.” _

 

_ Vin lowered his long neck. “But then I’m flirting with you and that’s kinda weird.” _

 

_ Renee cocked her head. “Are you saying you’re too much of a coward to say flirtatious things to a fourteen-year-old?” _

 

_ “I’m not saying that,” Vin said. “I’m just saying it’s kinda weird.” _

 

_ Charlie put a finger to zir cheek. “Are you saying that you aren’t kinda weird?” _

 

_ “Shit you’re right. Let’s do this! I want your babies, Charlie!” _

 

_ Charlie narrowed zir eyes. “Who is Charlie? I don’t recall mentioning a Charlie. I only remember mentioning a fine ass that happened to be attached to a body.” _

 

Vin thought a moment. “Hey there, cutie, that’s some nice skin you got there,” he said.

 

_ “Really?” Charlie said, zir hands falling into zir lap. “That’s the line you’re going with?” _

 

_ “Well I looked up a guide to flirting but the preface was really long and I didn’t want to put the game on hold so I just winged it,” Vin explained. “And you said I couldn’t fail.” _

 

_ “I don’t see why that would fail,” Alcor said. “I would like it if someone complimented my skin. I put a lot of effort into it.” _

 

_ “Well,” Renee said. “You could woo the demon, so at least you have that.” _

 

_ “I didn’t say I would be wooed. Just that I would appreciate it.” _

 

_ Charlie shook zir head. “Vin, you do have the flirting ability so no matter how hard you try, you are literally incapable of fucking flirting up. Even if you open with ‘that’s some nice skin you got there’. Anyway -” _

 

“Isn’t it?” Charlie said. “My mother gave it to me.”

 

“Did she now?” Vin asked. “She must be a woman of fine taste.”

 

Charlie mimed swirling a drink. “Her taste is almost as fine as that of this Summer on Saturn. Have you ever tried one here? They are simply out of this world.”

 

“What the actual fuck am I listening to here?” Renee asked with a laugh.

 

“So I’ve heard. Just now. By you,” Vin said. “So I’m Dick. Which is ironic, as I have a cloaca. He/Him.”

 

“I’m Jenjamin, or just Jen, which isn’t ironic, and I also use he/him.”

 

“So what brings someone in as fine a skinsuit as yours to as fine an establishment as this?”

 

“Just taking my mind off my troubles,” Charlie said.

 

Vin leaned forward on one arm. “What troubles would those be?”

 

Charlie shook zir head. “Ah, nothing interesting, I’m afraid. Just business.”

 

“Just what is your business?”

 

Charlie glanced down at a notecard. “I have numerous enterprises around the town. My most recent venture has proven to be the most stressful: I want to excavate the ruins to make a museum of the town’s history, but the paperwork involved is incredible. With all the hoops they’re making me jump through, you would think that they’re trying to stop people from exploring the fascinating history of this place.”

 

“And why would they do that?”

 

“What? Oh,” Charlie laughed. “I don’t think they’re actually doing this to make my life harder. It makes sense that they don’t just let anyone down there, what with the structural damage, and the mold, and such… It’s not a safe place to bring workers. And we still don’t know what caused the ancient city to be abandoned. They were supposedly quite technologically advanced for their time. If anything they made still works and was handled improperly, it could cause who knows how much damage. Personally, I’m confident that there’s no way that anything they made could still be functional, but the folks at city hall have to assume the worst for the safety of the community.”

 

Vin crossed his arms. “That still sounds like ten different kinds of bullshit -”

 

_ “Hold on, Slick Dick wouldn’t talk like that,” Vin said. “Lemme try that again.” _

 

“That sounds awfully frustrating, honey,” he tried again. “What’cha planning on doing about it?”

 

Charlie smiled. “Ain’t really nothing to do but bash my head against the wall till something breaks, now is there? I can’t say I’m looking forward to it, but it’s important to me that this gets done.”

 

Vin let his hands fall into his lap. “You must really care about history, huh?”

 

“Well, to be honest,” Charlie said, “I’m not much of a history buff. But my sister, she’s sick, see, in a bad way, and I think it would really make her day if all this goes right.”

 

“Well ain’t that just the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. You two must be awfully close then.”

 

“Yes, well, we never were a large family, and since my mother died she’s really all I have left, you know? It’s killing me to see her as sick as she is. She used to be so lively, and now she’s fighting just to be alive.”

 

Vin put a hand to his chest and looked down. “That sounds awfully hard, hun. Almost as hard as my metaphorical penis.”

 

_ Charlie put zir hands to zir hairline. “Oh my god - I - holy shit.” _ __  
  


_ “What?” Vin said as if what he had said was perfectly reasonable. “The conversation was moving out of flirting territory and firmly into the land of ‘just some people talking’. I don’t have the normal conversation power, so I had to do something to make it flirting again.” _

 

_ “You don’t need an ability to have a normal conversation,” Charlie said. _

 

_ “Yes,” Vin said, “but consider: I can’t fuck up flirting. And if there is one thing I have learned in my life it is that I am absolutely, 100% capable of fucking up a normal conversation.” _

 

_ Renee took a deep breath before saying, “Council from perspective of an individual capable of not fucking up a conversation to quite that extent: I am literally incapable of thinking of a better way to fuck up a conversation than implying you are sexually aroused by someone’s beloved sister dying.” _

 

_ Vin shrugged. “It’s kinda like negging. You wait for the person to feel bad, and then you make your move.” _

 

_ Renee pinched the bridge of her nose between both open hands. “Okay, ignoring, for just a moment, how awful of a practice negging is, the point of negging is you make them feel bad about themself so they lower their standards, not that you just make them generally distraught. Death is not a turn on for most people.” _

 

_ “Introducing the new pick-up line:” Vin said. “You will inevitably lose everyone you love as well as yourself; fuck me and, for a few short minutes, forget this.” _

 

_ Renee let her hands drop. “Remind me to never become an object of desire for you. The one thing I’m learning today is that being flirted with by you is one of the worst fates imaginable.” _

 

_ “Oh my god it’s not that bad -” _

 

_ “It really is though,” Charlie said. _

 

_ “ANYWAY, what does Jen have to say about that? Since I have magic flirting powers?” _

 

“Jen fucking dies,” said Charlie. 

 

_ “Oh my god.” Vin rolled his eyes. “I will admit that it wasn’t the most tasteful thing in the world to say but it was in no way that bad.” _

 

_ “No, I’m serious,” said Charlie. _

 

Ze continued, “Jen starts coughing deep, bloody coughs. They start coming from deeper and deeper in his throat. He falls off his chair. The other patrons of the bar have noticed now, and gather around in a circle watching.”

 

“I alert the police,” said Vin.

 

“Someone at the bar guides him through a process to help someone who's choking, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. Eventually, Jen stops coughing. He is still. If you check his pulse, you find it is nonexistent.

 

“Jenjamin is dead,” Charlie said solemnly. 

 

_ “Holy shit what?” cried Vin. _

 

_ “I am pretty sure I mentioned this is a murder mystery back when we started character creation,” Charlie said. “I was planning on waiting a little more and giving a bit more information out, but you officially lost your Interacting With Jen privileges after that last comment.” _

 

_ Vin threw his hands up. “Lost my interacting - Jen is the love of my life!” _

 

_ Charlie leaned back and crossed zir arms. “Was. Past tense. He dead now.” _

 

_ Vin glared at the other child. “You dead now. To me.” _

 

_ “That’s nice,” Charlie said. “What does Mr. Sundry do?” _

 

“So I’m freaking out right now,” Vin said. “I really thought that I felt something, something deep, something real, something unlike anything I’d ever felt before, and now the love of my life has fallen.”

 

Charlie said, “You hear a voice behind you:”

 

“Excuse me, mx. Can I have a word?”

 

“Standing behind you is a tall person in a police uniform.”

 

“I’m officer Dunbal, she/her. You were the one that alerted us to this, yeah?”

 

“It’s sir, if you will,” said Vin. “And thank heavens you’re here. Something terrible has happened!”

 

“Yeah,” Charlie drawled. “I can see that. Can I ask what your relationship with the deceased was?”

 

“Oh, we just met,” said Vin. “But I think we had something special between us.”

 

“Right.” Charlie said, drawing out the middle of the word. “So I don’t recognize you. You new to Celetter?”

 

“I’m just visiting,” said Vin.

 

“You got family here or something?” Charlie asked.

 

“No, I’m here on my own.”

 

“People don’t tend to just visit Celetter. We don’t exactly have a thriving tourist industry.”

 

“I heard about the ruins that the town was built on and I thought they sounded cool. I thought I might check them out. Thought it would be a good time. It turns out the time has been the opposite of good,” Vin said.

 

Charlie said, “The ruins aren’t open to the public, sir. They’re quite dangerous.”

 

“Jen was saying that. It’s quite disappointing. Oh, I can’t believe that he’s dead! He was so young.”

 

“Now, I ain’t gonna lie to you sir, I find your presence here highly suspicious. There’s not enough evidence to take you in yet, but I’m going to have to ask that you stay in town for the time being.”

 

Vin put a hand to his chest. “You think I would kill Jenjamin? But I loved him!”

 

“You knew the deceased for how long, exactly?” asked Charlie, rolling eyes making their way into zir voice.

 

Vin put a few fingers under his beak. “Oh, I don’t know, probably five minutes?”

 

“Mmhm.”

 

“They were a very special five minutes. A pun was involved. You wouldn’t understand.”

 

“Mmmhmm.”

 

“Anyway,” Vin said, shaking his head. “This is a huge misunderstanding. Whatever could I do to clear my name?”

 

“Well. We’ll be conducting a full investigation of the event, so all you have to do is sit tight and the truth will out.”

 

“I, for one, am looking forward to playing ‘doing diddly squat while the police conduct an investigation’ simulator,” Alcor said.

 

“What if I don’t trust the very people who accused me of murdering my beloved Jenjamin with clearing my name?” Vin asked.

 

“Well, then you’ll just have to hire a private investigator or something. Ain’t my business what you do while you’re waiting for a verdict.”

 

“I think I will,” Vin said, nodding his head. “And once I clear my name I will be expecting a full apology for accusing me of such a thing.”

 

“That’s, uh, not really how the police work, sir.”

 

Vin said, “I look up local PIs.”

 

“They’re aren’t many; this isn’t that big of a town,” Charlie replied. “What method are you using for choosing which one you are going to go with?”

 

Vin shrugged. “Belp reviews?”

 

“Alright. Belp points you to Everline Weedman, Private Investigator -”

 

_ “- Also,” interjected Renee, “small electronics repairer. It’s hard to makes ends meet with just investigating.” _

 

“- Weedman’s Private Investigation and Small Electronics Repair is very highly rated. For both services.”

 

“Well, worst case scenario I can figure out why my contacts have been lagging,” Vin said. “I head over.”

 

“Renee, can you describe your office?” Charlie asked.

 

Renee smiled and said, “Everline’s office is dim, as if light itself knew better than to be there. Light’s not the only thing that avoids the place; customers and their money have been in short supply lately. The stained wallpaper has long forgotten its purpose and strips of it hang off the walls in loose curls. There’s an old file cabinet on one wall with a drawer open revealing a whole lot of non-digital paper in not enough space. The smell of cannabis filled the place like a bear in her den. 

 

“Everline’s at the back of the small office, behind a inexpensive particleboard desk. There’s a window behind her, cheap blinds ineffectively blocking off more light than is in the whole office. It makes her a silhouette; even the light coming in from the open door doesn’t do much to reveal her features.”

 

“It sure is dark in here,” Vin said. “Why don’t you turn a light or two on?”

 

“I get headaches easily,” Renee replied. “It’s easier to think in the dark.”

 

“Speaking of thinking, I got a thing or two I’d like you to think about.”

 

“And that would be?”

 

“Oh, it’s awful, just awful!” Vin threw his head back as he said, “I’ve been accused of, of… of murder! The murder of my one true love! The police say that they’re going to find the truth, but they’re the ones that think I did it and I don’t trust them to bring the true culprit to justice. I need you to clear my name and find the dastardly bastard who would dare take my poor, sweet Jen away from me.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“Well, we, Jenjamin and I that is, were at a bar, the Blue Bison, have you been there? They have these little fried cheese things that are absolutely amazing. -”

 

_ “Isn’t Dick an avian?” Alcor asked. “Shouldn’t he be lactose intolerant?” _

 

_ Vin crossed his arms. “I’m pretty sure that lactose intolerance is just something that mammals made up to try and keep all the tasty, tasty cheesy goodness for themselves.” _

 

_ “And you wonder why you’re sick all the time,” Renee said. _

 

_ “I ain’t wondering shit,” said Vin. “I know damn well that eating anything that someone offers me at lunch isn’t going to make my stomach happy. But frankly my stomach can choke on its own acids for all I care because that shit’s amazing in my mouth.” _

 

“- Anyway,” he continued, “we were at the Blue Bison, and we were just talking, you know? Chatting each other up. Nothing too serious. And then he starts coughing blood and next thing you know… oh, it’s just too horrible. Someone must have poisoned him.”

 

“And you’re suspect number one, huh?” asked Renee. “Getting the inheritance, then?”

 

Vin shook his head. “Oh, no, nothing like that. There wasn’t anything official between us. Nothing legal.”

 

“How long had you two known each other?”

 

“Probably ten minutes,” Vin said. “But they were a magical ten minutes. He clicked with me like a puzzle piece.”

 

“Ten minutes.”

 

“I loved him!”

 

Renee shook her head. “Alright, forget I asked. Now try not to take this the wrong way, I just want to be clear, you’re not being recorded, I ain’t a cop, etc., you didn’t kill him, right?”

 

“Of course not! What motive could I possibly have for such a thing?”

 

_ “I’m going to use my bullshit detector ability,” Renee said. _

 

_ “Well,” said Charlie, “to what I’m sure is a huge surprise to you the player, what he just said was not bullshit.” _

 

“I don’t know,” said Renee. “maybe you’re a hitman.”

 

“Trust me when I say that if I were a professional killer, no one would even know that he was dead until I was long gone,” said Vin. “I certainly wouldn’t be next to him when it happened.”

 

Renee shrugged. “To be frank, I don’t know anything about you. Maybe something went wrong. Maybe you’re just really incompetent. The point is, I don’t want to start an investigation only to find my client is actually the killer. It’s hard to get paid that way.”

 

“Well, I’m not. I would never have done anything to hurt Jen. He was a true gentleman.”

 

“So, in the ten minutes you knew him, did you manage to learn anything useful? He didn’t mention any arcnemisi or anything?”

 

“He did mention that he had a lot of business,” said Vin. “I don’t know much about this town, but I do know it isn’t too uncommon for people with a lot of business to step on a few toes. He also mentioned that he had been trying to get permits to excavate the ruins around here, and was having trouble with that. Might be that someone with a lot of influence has something down there that they don’t want found; underground caves that people aren’t permitted to enter would be a good place to hide something. He has a sister. She would probably have better insight than I would, as she presumably knows both the town and Jen’s exploits better than I.”

 

“That was far more coherent than I expected,” Renee murmured.

 

“Just because I’m upset doesn’t mean I’m an idiot, darling,” Vin said. “Anyways, I was enraptured by his every word. He had such a nice voice… I can’t believe I’ll never hear it again.”

 

“Well, a sister sounds like a good place to start. I’ll go talk to her, see what she knows.”

 

“We’ll go talk to her,” Vin said resolutely. “I’m coming too.”

 

“An investigation is no place for a grieving…” Renee thought a moment, “party.”

 

“I can keep a cool head. I want to be very sure that Jen gets his vengeance. And two heads are better than one.”

 

“You can get in serious trouble doing an investigation. The police don’t like people meddling around in their affairs.”

 

“I’m already a murder suspect, how much more trouble can I get in?”

 

“You’re currently allowed to walk free. That won't be the case if the police decide that you are interfering with their investigation.”

 

“I’m willing to take the risk. Anyway, I’m the one paying you. One of my conditions is that I’m involved with the investigation.”

 

“Fine,” Everline says. “Just so long as there aren’t any other surprises.”

 

* * *

 

Charlie turned to Alcor. “Batman, you’ve been investigating a series of suspicious deaths in Celetter. You were monitoring the local police’s internal communications - highly illegally, for the record - when an incident report was filed. A man by the name of Jenjamin Graves just died in the Blue Bison bar of a presumed poisoning. The leading suspect is an out-of-towner by the name of Dick Sundry. There is not a motive given. You have determined that Dick went to Weedman, presumably to enlist her services as a private eye. What do you do?”

 

“Hold the thought, did you name your murder victim ‘Graves’?” Vin asked.

 

Charlie rolled zir eyes. “You were going to name yourself ‘Deadie McDeaders’.”

 

“Can we just say that I already traveled to Everline’s place?” Alcor asked.

 

“If that’s what you want to do, sure,” said Charlie.

 

“Alright,” Alcor said. “Batman strolls into the room.”

 

“Could I have a word, citizen?” he said.

 

“What are you doing in  _ my _ office,  _ Batman _ ?” Renee asked. 

 

“There is no law against entering a place of business. I just want to ask Dick here a few questions, and ensure that justice is served.”

 

“This is  _ my _ property,” she emphasized. “And  _ my _ case.” 

 

“Justice?” Vin cried. “They’re declaring me a murderer. Where is the justice in that?”

 

“Worry not, young Dick,” Alcor said. “Where truth is sought, justice will be found.”

 

Vin crossed his arms. “I’m not paying two private investigators.”

 

“Justice is the only payment I require,” said Alcor.

 

“Oh, really? Well dunk me in gravy and call me a biscuit, ain’t that something.”

 

“Do you really want help from a man who runs around in that outfit?” asked Renee.

 

“I really want Jen’s killer to get caught,” Vin said resolutely. “I don’t care if the person to do this is dressed in nothing but glittery rainbow body paint.”

 

“Let’s just go talk to the sister and get this over with,” said Renee.

 

Charlie asked, “does anyone have research?”

 

“I do,” said Renee, as Alcor raised his hand.

 

“You two determine that Jenenifer Graves is currently in Regions Hospital. You manage to get a visitation without any problems.

 

“The hospital is a fairly normal one. The walls are lined with an inoffensive light blue floral pattern, and the floors are a light yellow tile. Jenenifer’s in the long term care ward, and looks at you curiously as you come in.”

 

“Hello,” Renee said, “I’m Everline Weedman. I’m sorry to disturb you, but we were wondering if you would mind answering a few questions about your brother? We’re investigating his death.”

 

Charlie said, “She smiles brightly at you. ‘You’re investigating his death? I’m so happy to hear that!’ Her smile fades quickly. ‘I told him not to go to the ruins. I told him this would happen. But he never listens to me, you know? And neither do the police.’”

 

“Why did you think that something was going to happen to him if he went to the ruins?” Renee asked.

 

“Because something happens to everyone who goes down there,” ze said. “I’ve been keeping track! I think it’s the government. You know how everyone thinks that there is an artifact of immortality down there? Well I think that the government wants to make sure that it gets it first, and is willing to take down anyone who gets in their way. That’s why the police weren’t interested in what I had to say; they’re in on it too.”

 

“Who else has died?” asked Alcor.

 

“There’s been a bunch of deaths within the past year. There’s been a lot more further back but I haven’t been keeping track of this my whole life, so I’d have to look them up. The first that I know off the top of my head was Sturgen McNarmy, almost a year ago now. He was going to make a show about exploring the ruins and died right before he was about to start shooting. Supposedly some stairs crumbled and he fell down them, but I don’t believe that for one second.

 

“Then there was also Sulondro Tritina, who was hit by a vehicle if you’ll believe that. The cops don’t seem to think there is anything suspicious about it, though! They say that software errors just happen sometimes, and I’m like, this is the first vehicular death in the last decade and you don’t find that strange at all? 

 

“Then there’s the Garbleck kid, Slan, just a few days ago. He was always desperate for cash and died in a stabbing. And like, we aren’t the safest town in the universe but I don’t think that we have the sort of crime scene that would kill some kid. 

 

“And there were two weird deaths in this very hospital! Doctor Trashings, who studied the ruins professionally, died via medical malpractice a couple months ago. And Tarnet Talling had a heart attack, and who dies of a heart attack in this day and age, huh?

 

“And now there’s my brother. He wanted to get that thing for me, you know. I don’t have too much longer left in this life and he couldn’t bear to live without me. So now I have to end my days without him. Jerk.”

 

“So you believe this to be part of some conspiracy,” said Renee.

 

Charlie nodded. “It’s gotta be. This town isn’t big enough to have this many deaths of the young. And for the police to refuse to connect any of the deaths? Something is up.”

 

“Do you know anything about any of the other victims?” Renee asked.

 

“Well, not really. I don’t really have the energy to research much further than reading the news. I get terribly anxious about initiating a conversation with someone I don’t know, and who's to say that they aren’t part of the conspiracy, anyway? Anyone I go to for answers could be secretly working for the government! I do know that Slan was the friend of my friend Sam Hawks. I want to ask him about it but don’t know how to bring it up, I imagine it’s probably not something he wants to talk about, but you might have better luck as professionals. Just, if you do talk to him, you should know that he isn’t really trustful of authority.”

 

“Who's to say we aren’t part of the conspiracy?” said Vin. “We might just have come here to see what you know.”

 

“Well that would be rather pointless as I’ve talked about these things before to the police, well, save the part where I accuse the police of being part of it. They know that I believe what I believe. They also know that I don’t really have the resources to do much about it. No sense killing someone who’s already at death’s door, I guess.”

 

“So what’s the deal with this artifact of immortality?” asked Vin. “I’m from out of town, so I don’t know shit - er, I don’t know a darn thing about it.”

 

“Well, the name says most of it,” said Charlie. “It’s said to be a great and powerful artifact left behind by the people who built the ancient city. No one knows if it actually exists; the ruins have never been well explored by any official party. They can be pretty dangerous further in, and there is worry that the ancients built something that could be like, radioactive or something.”

 

“If the ruins have never been fully explored how do people know what’s down there?” said Vin.

 

She pauses a moment. “You know, I’ve never thought about that. It’s just a thing everybody knows. There must have been like, some ancient writings about it or something.”

 

“You have no idea how you know about this thing but you believe in it?” said Vin.

 

“I never said I believe in the actual artifact,” Charlie said. “It doesn’t really matter if it exists, though. There are people who do believe in it, and I believe that some of them are willing to kill over it.”

 

Renee cleared her throat. “Do you know about what business your brother did? I’m not saying that you’re wrong about all of this but I do want to make sure our bases are covered.”

 

“Not really. He never liked to talk about that sort of thing with me. Said he didn’t want to mix his work and home life. He did have a partner though, Sydney Carthrish. They would know more about that.”

 

“Well, Jenenifer,” said Alcor. “I think we’ve probably gotten all the information we need, unless someone has something left they would like to ask? It has truly been a pleasure. We will get to the bottom of your brother’s death, I assure you.”

 

Renee said, “If you have anything else you would like to tell us just send me a DM. Here’s my handle.”

 

Charlie smiled. “Thank you so much for looking into this. Hopefully with you on the case Jen’s death will be the last.”   
  
“Let’s head back to my office to discuss our next move,” said Renee.

 

“The darkness of night has fully conquered the town,” said Charlie, “with the occasional streetlight providing respite from its shade. With the absence of the sun’s warming rays comes an uncomfortable chill, coming in waves with the strengthening breeze. 

 

“This we know: somewhere, in a residence, or a dark alleyway, or in one of the few places of business still open, a murderer goes about their life, free from the scrutiny of the police, free to strike again if they so choose. 

 

“And perhaps it goes deeper. Perhaps in a private chat somewhere, a group, hiding behind the anonymity of the web, plans out the next victim. Perhaps, soon, they’ll notice the meddling of three sleuths. Perhaps they won’t take kindly to the attention.

 

“But for now, there is no shadowy organization making their move, no murderer waiting in an alley. There are just the empty streets, the cold wind, and the all-encompassing darkness. 

 

“You make it back to your office without any problems, save for the ones that you bring with you. What do you do?”

 

“What should we do next?” asked Renee. “I would like to talk with the bartender of the Blue Bison that was working when Jenjamin was poisoned. I also would like to learn more about the artifact of immortality. It might be worthwhile to see if the Doctor Trashings that Jenenifer mentioned did any specific research about it.”

 

“Don’t forget about talking with Mx. Carthrish,” said Alcor. “They might have additional insight as to the motives behind the murder.”

 

“I would like to have a word with the barkeep first and foremost,” said Vin. “I don’t care too much why someone would kill my poor, sweet, beloved Jenjamin at the moment so much as who did it and how. I want something to give to the cops to prove my innocence, and we can work on the why of the matter once we have that.”

 

Renee nodded. “That sounds like a good starting point. It might be best to wait until tomorrow; I imagine the bar is pretty full right now and it would probably be hard to get the barkeeper alone.”

 

“It is getting pretty late,” said Alcor. “We had best get some sleep. After all, a mind is at its sharpest when it is rested, and there is nothing a criminal should fear more than a sharp mind.”

 

“You all go to your homes and get some rest. The next day, when you get together, what do you do?”

 

“I’m going to research the Blue Bison before we find yesterday’s barkeeper,” said Renee.

 

“Early research gives nothing too significant,” said Charlie. “The Blue Bison is a rather popular bar that’s thriving, even in the decline of the town itself. Its prices are reasonable, the drink is good, and the food appears to be of average quality. 

 

“After a bit of searching, however, you find something more interesting. The Blue Bison is the local spot to get your hit of flare, a drug taken with alcohol that appears to be popular in the area that, in low doses, produces a fantastic high in almost any species, and in large doses, causes the user to start coughing up blood and die. The line between a good high and a deadly dose is a fine one that varies significantly based on the individual, and the drug is highly illegal as a result. Saul Gold, the primary barkeep and flare doctor of the Blue Bison, is known for being very good at what he does and there have not been any deaths or close calls, at least before now.”

 

“What can I find about Saul Gold?” asked Renee.

 

“Saul Gold is a dwarf immigrant who moved in about a decade ago. He has a lot of interactions on social media with a wide variety of people, although most seem fairly casual. He has a teenage son, who has no discernable online presence from the past few days which seems uncharacteristic of him.”

 

“Well,” said Renee, “I think it’s about time we give a visit to the Blue Bison.”

 

“I could go for some cheese thingies,” Vin murmured. 

 

“You arrive at the Blue Bison without incident. Inside it is almost empty, unsurprising for the hour, save for a small number of customers and a rather tall dwarf washing a glass. The man you presume to be Saul Gold doesn’t respond to your entrance.”

 

“Good evening, good citizen,” said Alcor. “Could we have a word?”

 

“The bartender jumps slightly, almost dropping the glass that they are washing.”

 

“Wos that, lad? You’re a gonna have to try that again now, my left side don’t hear too well these days.”

 

“I was simply wondering if we could ask you a few questions,” Alcor said.

 

“About what?” asked Charlie.

 

“The most unfortunate death of one Jenjamin Graves,” said Alcor.

 

Charlie said, “He lowers his glass. ‘Look, can we have this conversation in the back? I don’t really want the customers… you understand.’”

 

“That’s completely fine,” said Renee.

 

“He leads you to the back, which is the kitchen area.”

 

“Okay so look, about Jen,” Charlie continued. “I don’t really know what to tell you, I was serving drinks on the other side of the bar when it happened, I didn’t see it.”

 

“The symptoms that Jenjamin showed upon death strongly resemble flare poisoning,” Renee said. “And as your establishment is known to serve that, I was wondering if you would know anything about it.”

 

Charlie said, “‘I got no idea what you’re talking about, there,’ he bullshits. ‘That’s an illegal substance, we would never -’”

 

“Look, I’m not paid to care about what you serve here,” Renee said. “I’m getting paid to get to the bottom of a murder, so if you could cut the shit I would really appreciate it.”

 

“He didn’t order any flare,” said Charlie. “He was a bit of a straight edge. Didn’t even like having too much drink, said he didn’t like his thoughts being interfered with. Someone must have put it in his drink.”

 

“Do you have any idea who could have done it?” she asked.

 

Charlie said, “‘Nope,’ you can tell he’s bullshitting again. ‘We get a lot of patrons; I have trouble keeping track of them all.’”

 

“So where is your son, anyway?” asked Alcor.

 

“‘Wh-’ he drops the glass that he had been cleaning earlier. ‘What does that have to do with this?’” Charlie said.

 

“In the art of crime solving no detail should be overlooked,” Alcor said.

 

“Saul looks around, and closes the door. ‘You’re not - you ain’t with the cops, right?’”

 

“Regretfully, I am not,” Alcor says. “No longer being a fully deputized officer of the law is one of my largest regrets.”

 

“You can’t tell ‘em about this, okay? I’m gonna pull out a nullie before I say anything so you’d best turn off any screen you got on you.”

 

“Alright,” Renee said. “What does your son have to do with this?”

 

Charlie glanced at one of zir notecards before saying, “He pulls a nullie out of a drawer and turns it on. ‘Lookie, I didn’t want to, but they took my son. They said if I didn’t do it they’d kill him, and they offed his bud Slan so I know that they’re serious. They said if I got the police involved they would know and it would just get worse. And it’s been a night and they still have him and I don’t know what else they’re gonna make me do and ya gotta get him back.’”

 

“Who is ‘they’?” Renee asked.

 

“I don’t know!” Charlie cried. “Gordon didn’t come home one night and I ‘ad a message from an anonymous source appear in my inbox!”

 

Alcor said, “we will do everything in our power to get your son back to you, Mr. Gold.”

 

“Well, maybe we should discuss payment first…” said Renee.

 

“How could you suggest such a thing?” Alcor asked, mock aghast. “The man just lost his son. This is no time to bring money into it.”

 

“Some of us have bills to pay,  _ Batman _ ,” Renee muttered.

 

Charlie said, “Look, I’ll say anything you want in court, all I want is for my son to be safe.”

 

“The only thing you should be saying in a court of law is the truth,” Alcor said.

 

“So you mentioned that his friend died?” Vin chirped up.

 

“Yes. Slan Garbleck. ‘e was a… well, he wasn’t really a good kid, but he was doin’ the best he could under some bad circumstances. He was poor and desperate and fell in with some of the wrong people. He did small jobs for me every now and then. I tried to get ‘im a permanent position here but he just didn’t have it in him to do a regular job… but anyway, a few nights ago Gordon tells me that something’s up with Slan, and he doesn’t come home that night and Slan’s found the next morning having bled out to a knife wound.”

 

“Do you know anything about the bad crowd that Slan fell in with?” Renee asked.

 

“Not really, I never asked. Didn’t seem like my business. I should have been there for him more… I never thought that this could happen.”

 

“Well, it’s not your fault that it did. Try not to blame yourself for it,” Vin said. “Unlike Jenjamin’s death.”

 

Charlie shifted zir gaze to Vin. “Look, I’m real sorry you got caught up in this. I’d love to help clear your name, but I gotta make sure my son is safe.”

 

“Oh, it’s fine,” Vin said. “You only murdered the man I loved and blamed it on me. I totally understand.”

 

“You loved?” Charlie asked. “Didja not just meet the lad?”

 

Vin crossed his arms.“Why does everyone keep saying that? My love burns like magnesium shavings, okay? It is bright and beautiful and intense and starts quickly.”

 

“Alrighty then.”

 

“Okay so I have a question, actually,” Vin said. “Why am I the lead suspect? I just talked to the guy for, as you guys keep insisting on reminding me, only a few of so short minutes before our relationship was oh so tragically cut short. Whereas you gave him the last thing he drank, and are known to serve the thing that actually killed him. I refuse to believe the police here are so oblivious that they don’t know about something we found out about with like, two hours of research.”

 

“Well that’s just the thing, laddie,” Charlie said. “The police don’t want to find the truth, because the truth would shut this place down and they liketa indulge every now and then. They just want something believable enough that it holds up when glanced at.”

 

“Well isn’t that just dandy,” Vin said.

 

“Awful it may be,” said Charlie, “but that’s how it is. Not that it would matter to much if this place gets shut down at this rate.”

 

“What do you mean?” asked Renee.

 

“There just isn’t as much flare as there used to be. I don’t know why but there’s a pretty bad shortage of the stuff now. I didn’t want to waste the dose I gave Jen, but I didn’t know how else to do the job.”

 

“Oh, that must have been so hard for you,” said Vin.

 

“My son was kidnapped and ransomed. It hasn’t exactly been an easy time for me.”

 

“So you’ll admit to the truth if we find your son? Even if it would get this place shut down?” Renee asked.

 

“Aye.”

 

“But only if we find your son,” she continued.

 

“Aye.”

 

“Well, we best get on that then,” said Vin.

 

“Thank you for your time, Mr. Gold. You’ve been very helpful,” Renee said.

 

“Just, bring my son back safe, okay?”

 

Alcor said, “I promise you that we will return your son to you safely, Mr. Gold. And I hope that this will serve as a lesson about what happens when you involve yourself in this sort of lawless activity.”

 

“Um, right,” said Renee. “Anyway, if you learn anything else which you think could be useful to us, here’s my handle.”

 

“Okay and that’s the scene,” said Charlie. “I think I’m ready to call it a session.”

 

“That’s good, because I’ve had someone trying to summon me for the past half hour,” said Alcor. “I’ll see you guys same time next week?”

 

“Assuming someone doesn’t decide that he cannot possibly resist eating fried cheese again,” Renee muttered.

 

“Look, I probably couldn’t get my hands on more cheese if I tried,” said Vin. “That shit’s imported from the planet, and I think that Drongo is finally out, so I can’t bum any off of his absurdly cheese-filled ass.”

 

Alcor grinned. “Well, I’m glad to hear that your disgusting flesh body difficulties probably aren’t going to delay our game yet again. See you later.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hawkshaw is the Gravity Falls equivalent of the real world game Gumshoe, which is a very simple game to learn that, from what I can tell by having fictional characters play it, works well for running mysteries.


End file.
